


The Wilting Wisteria Flower

by delypanda



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Humor, Romance, later?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-26
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-03-09 13:36:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13482588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/delypanda/pseuds/delypanda
Summary: The symbol and motto of the Fujiwara clan, the words we live and die by, comes from the Fuji flower, also known as the Wisteria flower. Patience and Endurance are two of the meanings of the Wisteria flower. But everyone has a breaking point, how long can one be expected to endure?





	1. I will always love you

_~ If I should stay, I would only be in your way. ~_

* * *

 

APRIL 4 - 2300 hours

“You are aware of the risks of this particular mission?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And you are willing to continue?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Your affairs have all been settled?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Very well. It’s your job to keep them all alive, Fujiwara Tsubasa.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Try your best to return safely.”

“..Yes, sir.”

* * *

 

APRIL 3 - 0900 hours.

“Morning, Tsubasa! The usual, again?”

“Morning! I’m afraid so, I haven’t learnt anything new to cook.” I smiled, throwing in an embarrassed chuckle. The vegetable produce stall owner was one that was friendly to anyone, civilian or ninja. She was one of the few who didn’t shy away or become wary when faced with ninjas. Perhaps that’s why I always felt more emotion around her than the other stall owners that I had come to recognize. Her vegetables would however, not be put to use this week but would be given as an anonymous donation to the orphanage. After all, I might not be cooking anymore, not after tomorrow. This morning market trip was ultimately, only to uphold appearances. Speaking of upholding appearances, it was time.

A toss of my hair to get my light lavender hair out of my eyes, a wave of my hand for my bracelet to glint in the sunlight, a laugh loud enough to travel in a little greeting. All actions designed to look natural enough to escape raising his suspicion. But really, he should have known. That all ninjas, whether retired or active, have a purpose for every action and that nothing is ever as natural as it looks. Even the way the man slouched around, with that orange book in hand, was calculated and definitely not relaxed. These actions were meant to naturally catch his attention, though I knew he probably didn’t need any help to spot whatever he was looking for. I couldn’t help it though. I wanted him to know that I was here, that I was alive. I knew he needed to know it. But, he probably didn’t need me anymore. I was just holding him back from moving on. A reminder of times long past, that kept him from living in the present. The time for us childhood friends to stop dancing around each other had come. So, today wouldn’t be hello. Today would be goodbye and farewell.

I could see it out of the corner of my eye. Team Seven, along with their ever so elusive and lazy jounin sensei. The same as the first time I saw them, strolling along and causing a ruckus with their different personalities that meshed just as much as they clashed.

“Sakura! Look at- uwah?!”

_CRASH._

“Naruto, you idiot! Apologize right now!”

“Tch.”

“Naruto. No ramen for you.”

Not for the first time, I wondered how Kakashi felt when he looked at his students. Did he know just how much all four of them were similar to Team Minato? Almost like an exact replica of him and his team. Even I felt the heartache looking at them. How much more acutely would Kakashi feel the loss? Or perhaps he felt like he had gotten a second chance, a chance to make sure that none of them repeated the tragedy that was Team Minato.

_Waking up this morning, there was something different in the air. No stark differences that popped out at me, but there was a gut feeling that everything would change today. And every ninja, young or old, active or retired, knew not to ignore any gut instincts. These instincts were finely honed over gruelling hours, days, years of practice. Ignoring it would be akin to asking a ninja to throw away his ninjutsu skills. Following the normal routine; wake up at 7am, laze around the apartment for an hour or so (there would be no breakfast because food was less appetizing each day; more like just a show for others to see that I was indeed eating), walk to the market and loiter around at the usual stalls, a flick or two of the hair and wrist (a flash that I knew he would not miss). And everything after that would pass by in a haze, simply going through the motions, and waiting for night to come. Sleep would provide some semblance of rest, only for it to repeat again the next day._

_There was usually nothing to look forward to, but this morning was different. Today, I was the one whose attention was captured. Perhaps it was because of the news I had recently heard. Kakashi had a team of genins. The first team he had ever passed. Apparently, the Academy graduates in his team were something else altogether. At first, I was confused. It had been years since he had agreed to become a teacher but he had never passed a team before. Was that trio of ‘something else’ really that good? Or perhaps, it was a sign that time was starting to move forward again._

_Walking along the street while greeting the stall vendors, I was waiting for that feeling again, the small hairs on the my nape standing on end from the awareness of his eyes on me; the one that let me know that he was watching. The sixth sense all ninja possessed._

_And then I saw. The blond hair and bright blue eyes. The dark hair and even darker eyes. And the girl, the mediator with a warm smile (though this one seemed a little more violent). So similar._

_The memories suddenly hit me and my legs nearly buckled. I wheezed, suddenly finding it difficult to get air. Tears blurred my vision. That team.. They were so similar. For the first time in years, my lips twitched up in a genuine smile. The first show of genuine emotion in years. I must have looked ridiculous, a lady standing alone in the middle of the street crying and smiling at the same time._

_But all I could think of was that he was moving on._

_(And the niggling thought in the back of my mind, that his back was far too ahead of me again and was leaving me behind, as always.)_

Today, his eyes were yet again trained on his students. Those eyes no longer focused on me. That was the reason how I knew that it was time to let go of him, and for him to let go of me, if he hadn’t already. Although, looking at Team Seven’s antics now, he probably wouldn’t even notice my farewell to him. A laugh bubbled out at the sight of Naruto flailing around and crashing into a stall in his attempts to impress his pink-haired teammate. Ah, he really was Minato and Kushina’s child. Even after all these years, they could still effortlessly make me laugh.

I turned away before any of them could notice me staring, continuing down the routine path. It was an unspoken rule that we behave like we didn’t know each other familiarly. It wouldn’t do to draw attention to our awkward interactions. That Uchiha boy of his was definitely skilled enough to notice any unusual behaviour.

He didn’t show any sign of having noticed my presence. It only convinced me further that he was going to be alright when this show ended. And it would end soon. So, it was rather assuring to me, to see that man being a jounin sensei, following in his father-figure’s footsteps. Except for that garish orange book his nose was stuck in. Oh, forgive me, Sakumo. I promised you to watch over your son but he had somehow, without my notice, picked up such an unseemly habit. How did he even start that weird hobby..? Curse you, Jiraiya.

Anyway, I suppose it really was no surprise that he would have his hands full with those students. The boisterous ball of energy, the brooding prodigy and the fangirl - with stars in her eyes even now as she stared at her dark-haired teammate. He would never have the time to be drawn back into those forbidding memories with all their shenanigans, never even have the time to think about the people that belonged in the past.

* * *

 

APRIL 3 - 2200 hours

Trudging home after my shift at the hospital, I heard the tell-tale explosions and screams coming from the training ground nearby. I winced. Naruto’s voice shrieking in apology and Sakura’s shrill voice as she scolded him were so distinct and easily recognizable. A fond and nostalgic smile involuntarily came upon my lips. He really was their son; Minato’s bright appearance but Kushina’s fiery personality. Just looking at Naruto brought back the light memories of a warm house, comforting smiles and ramen.

I had managed to not think of Kakashi during my shift. Today had been extraordinarily hectic with many ninjas coming home to the village. Bustling around healing and dealing with workaholic ninjas that didn’t understand how to rest or relax took all of my attention and energy even despite being on auto-pilot mode. But once again, my mind was drawn to him again. How is it that I never managed to not think about him for prolonged periods of time?

Thinking about the number of years we had known each other, I mused, it was funny how our relationship had so many ups and downs – it had almost become guaranteed to miss the chance to further our relationship, it was never the _right_ time - but still remained strong, in a way. An unbreakable bond, despite years of nothing more than customary greetings. We still had strong feelings for each other, though these feelings were in a vague category. I didn’t know what I was to him anymore. We had been friends and rivals, and for one instant, more than friends. And then, barely more than strangers.

The only thing I was certain about was that just like me, he needed to see me and I needed to see him, to know that we were still safe, that we hadn't lost yet another one. After the attack of the Nine Tails, he became so afraid of losing yet another piece of his world; the ones he held close to his heart. So haunted that he retreated back behind his walls, wanting to protect himself from ever being hurt in such a way again. Thinking that he would fail in saving them again, it would be better that way. I could see the survivor’s guilt in his eyes, thinking that he no longer deserved anything good in his life. However, just because he cut off his feelings towards others, didn't mean that my and others' feelings for him were cut too. Even with the cold and fierce exterior he showed the world, I knew that he was just too kind, too warm, to truly sever all his emotional ties to the village and its citizens. He would never admit it now, but hidden far behind all his barriers and walls, we all still had a place inside his heart. I knew that this was his definition of being strong, so I gave him space. I showed no acknowledgement of him, stopped trying to speak to him, knowing it was what he wanted. But I didn’t want to. I wanted to talk to him, to hear him laugh, to see that crinkle his eyes made when he was happy. I could never thank Gai enough, for always seeking him out and pestering him for their daily rival contests. You couldn’t see it but, Kakashi always seemed a little more relaxed after their ridiculous bouts of racing from one of the village to another.

Looking at that, I sometimes felt like I had given up too easily, that I should have fought harder for him. That I should just walk up to him, demand an explanation and then probably kiss him or maybe, punching him would be a better idea. If I had, would the two of us be like how we were in our childhood? Would we be friends again? Probably not, I thought bitterly. He never spoke to me anymore, even going to such lengths just to avoid the sight of me that I was starting to remember his back more than the front ever since that day in the hospital. The day we crossed the line over to more than friendship. The day I still couldn’t decide whether to feel happy or heartbroken about. Maybe it was from guilt or because I brought back the memories of when we were young so he couldn't even bear the sight of me but I had always been longing for him.

I suppose I never meant as much to him as he did to me. I had nearly forgotten, he was the one who left first. He was the one who had found it in himself to abandon me. It was difficult for me too. He wasn’t the only one struggling. He forgot that my teammates and loved ones were snatched away from me too. I had no one remaining except him, but he just up and left without even a single word. It was depressing, and hurtful, that I was once again cast aside, staring after him. I didn’t want to think about it, but sometimes, I entertained the thought, just a fleeting thought, that the kiss was just a kiss to him, without any feelings from the heart.

I wonder, if I ever meant anything to him at all? I wonder, if there would come a time when I could walk at his side instead of staring at him from behind?

I’ve come to realize that despite how much I know him, there’s equally as much about him that I don’t know. Depressing, that thought, even after all these years.

Even so, he was my dearest friend. For his happiness, I would do anything and everything. I did anything. I would be his rock, his sole pillar of support in raging rapids even if I, myself, was drowning. Even if each day, I felt a little less myself and a little more empty.

_I had just finished the journey back to my apartment – no, it wasn’t home, home was warm and filled with smiles, laughter and love -  after slogging through a long weary day at the hospital. The apartment was dark and cold, void of anything even remotely close to comfort, only intensifying the gloomy aura seeping through the walls. I felt absolutely miserable. Even the hour spent in the heated bath only soothed my muscle pains, but did nothing for the tiredness or the hollow in my heart._

_I was struck with the crippling horror and exhaustion of repeating these actions every day, with no real ambition or goal. No drive to carry on persevering. There was no endpoint in sight. And I wondered, I didn’t do it for him to appreciate me but just what exactly was I suffering through this for? How long would I continue to plough through this personal mission? For a man that didn’t and would never know anything about what I had been doing? Then again, it wasn’t as though he had asked to me to do it. So ultimately, this was just self-inflicted torture. God, just when had I become such a masochist? Although, all ninjas probably were._

_Would there be an end? An end where suffering was no longer necessary? Where peace and comfort would be abundant?_

_A stinging pain drew me back to reality. I hadn’t realized I had drifted off into my head while still preparing the ingredients for my dinner, or rather, supper. Staring at my finger where the knife had sliced into, I sighed heavily. I was too tired to use chakra or to find bandages. The thought of moving more than necessary just to find bandages was equally as loathsome as the thought of using any more chakra, being just a hair’s breadth away from chakra exhaustion. Choosing between the two options took too much time. The wound was deeper than I expected, blood had already begun pooling a little in my palm._

_In that one moment, slightly drawn in and entranced by the somehow dangerously beautiful rivulets of red trailing down my wrist, I didn’t think about Kakashi, didn’t think of the hospital and all my other responsibilities. For one blissful moment, I had forgotten about everything. All my worries, all my struggles, my loneliness, the long sleepless nights often spent staring at the ceiling (I knew the cracks in the ceiling like the back of my hand, I could draw it blindfolded). I forgot about the continuous horrifying nightmares that kept me up, forgot the tear tracks dried on my cheeks and the hoarseness of my voice from screaming throughout the night. I forgot how tired I was of the mask I had to put on each time I stepped out the door, smiling brightly at everyone like I hadn’t just relived the memories of the deaths of the ones I cared for again. They had all disappeared into the night. For one moment, I didn’t have to fight._

_I was_ free _._

_And then, they came crashing back._

_Weighing down on me again, my suddenly frenzied mind whirling with thoughts of having to repeat this unending stress tomorrow yet again for many more days to come. I instantaneously became desperate for relief, craving and yearning for that peace where my mind could be silent. I wasn’t really needed after all, wasn’t I? Kakashi didn’t know what I was doing for him, what would it matter if I wasn’t there tomorrow? At the hospital were many other ninjas of nearly equal skill. It wouldn’t be a disaster if I were to not show up. It was normal for ninjas to suddenly disappear anyway, perhaps on a sudden mission that left them no time to say their goodbyes. It would be so easy. It would probably be at least until after a few days or a week, before anyone would think something was strange._

_More and more reasons popped up in my mind. There were so many. And slowly, the reasons to endure began to disappear. Even the thought of disgracing the village or my clan became less prominent. I had been enduring for so long, surely I had done enough already? Every morning, I repeat the clan motto and these words to myself over and over again, stubbornly hanging on._

_Endure. Just one more day. I can do it. Just one more day._

_I used to believe extremely so in this motto. But now, the more I thought about it, the more the idea of laying everything down and giving up becomes more tempting. The idea of a peaceful place, where all my loved ones would be waiting for me. Where I didn't have to fight just to feel content. A place where I could just.. smile. With all my heart, smile, just because I felt happy from the deepest depths of my heart._

_I did not have any of those anymore, those things called wings. I no longer possessed the ability nor the desire to fly. They had been lost ages ago. The Fujiwara clan was unrivalled in their persistence, in their ability to endure. However, I have endured far beyond my limits for a long time and every person has a breaking point. Surely, it would be alright to for me to stop now?_

* * *

 

To you,

If you are reading this, you must have had some idea of what had happened and came looking for me. Yes, it is an S-rank mission and yes, I volunteered. It is highly likely that return will be.. shall I say, difficult, as to be expected of this level of mission.

If the mission has failed, and I don’t return, don't look for me. Don't mourn me. Don't remember me, if it only brings you bad memories. And don’t blame yourself, that’s ridiculous and you have a severe case of survivor’s guilt even when it has nothing to do with you.

I have written this in the event that you care, perhaps it is just the last of my unfounded hopes. You have become harder to understand, maybe it is because we have both grown. Years have passed and we both changed, we are not the same as we once were. Things are much more complicated now, much more dark than they were before. We don’t possess things like rose-tinted glasses anymore. I don’t know what you will think of me when you discover my less than honourable motives of trying to escape this futile and painful life. However, I will not abandon my teammates, because as a beloved mutual friend once said, those who abandon their comrades are worse than trash. I will keep them alive to the best of my ability, but if death comes for me, I will not run away.

I don’t know if you will even bother to read this. I don’t know if you will want to do anything for me. You never really did listen to me anyway. But if you are now, what you can do for me is to just live on, like I did for you. Struggle on, because life will never be fair, in hopes of finding that pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. For the view of the other side of the mountain. I’ve lost my hope, but I’m wishing for you to always keep the faith. I'm certain that you'll have no problem doing it better than I ever did or ever could.

Someone once told me that living is different from surviving. The difference should be clear to you by now. You were surviving before, but now, you’re living. You've found something worth living for, finally realised that you're not alone, you've never been. You have so many things to live for, to look forward to. So, live on, not just survive, and find more things worth living for, worth fighting for. Find happiness. That’s all I ever wanted for you.

Perhaps my only regret, would be not knowing whether I had ever brought you happiness in all these years I’ve known you.

Also, talking about living and happiness, have you loved yet? I’ve heard it’s better to have loved and lost than to never love at all (from those gossipy old ladies at the market, perhaps you can get the full love story). Find a woman – or a man, whatever suits your preference – to love. Settle down, start a family and retire if you like. The desire to protect, I believe, can achieve much more than the desire for vengeance.

Take care of your team. Teach them well, like Minato did. They, and you, were meant for greatness. It’s in their blood, and yours as well.

Goodbye, you.

* * *

 

And so, after many years of enduring, its head drooping down a little more each day.. 

Finally, the Wisteria flower..

Withered.

* * *

_~ I will always love you. ~_

  

_A/N: Reviews and constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated! :)_

 

 


	2. When I look at you, I can't help falling in love with you

 

_~ When my world is falling apart, when there's no light to break up the dark, that's when I look at you. ~_

* * *

 

APRIL 5 - 0630 hours

A silver-haired man was slumbering peacefully in bed, eyes twitching from the rays of sunlight filtering in through the gaps of the curtains. His face was half covered by his sheets, but the slight quirk upwards of his lips could be seen through the fabric.

All of a sudden, the man bolted upright in bed with a gasp, eyes wide. There was no chilling sweat or horror in his eyes; Kakashi wasn’t suffering from a nightmare, after all. It was one of the rare nights that he wasn’t suffering through a long night plagued with nightmares and drowning in his cold sweat. Although looking at his posture and facial expression, one would have found it difficult to say the man had a good sleep.

Head cradled in his hands, it took a few long moments for his heart to stop pounding so heavily.

_What the hell?_

It had been ages since Kakashi had had that dream again. It wasn’t a nightmare - in fact, it could be counted as a pleasant dream - but it hurt just the same. Bittersweet, it made his heart ache with longing. That dream was the embodiment of all his wishes and desires that he had given up all hope of ever achieving; the ultimate pipe dream. A life, full of bliss, with one of the last few remaining lights in his life. He could still remember the sound of her voice, the smell of fresh home-cooked food, the pitter-pattering of small feet. And warmth, the kind that came from contentment and the comfort of body-heat.

Kakashi ran a hand through his hair roughly, tugging slightly on the silver strands, as though the dull pain would take him away from the vestiges of warmth and happiness still lingering from the dream.

_It was only a fantasy. And a fantasy it would remain._

* * *

 

APRIL 5 - 0845 hours

There was an unsettling feeling at the back of his mind. Kakashi couldn’t tell whether it was his instinct telling him that something was going to go wrong, or if it was just his normal pessimism made worse after the dream. He supposed he would find out sooner or later, though. And in the meantime, it wouldn’t hurt to keep an eye for anything strange or suspicious.

But, it still left him fidgety and restless to the extent that even Naruto – _Naruto_ , of all people – noticed and called him out on it during the morning training session.

_“It’s the day I’m going to beat Kakashi-sensei! Just you see, Sasuke, Sakura!”_

_“Stupid. You’re a hundred years too early; he’s way out of your league.”_

_“Wha- but just look at him! He’s got his head in the clouds today!“ Naruto’s eyebrows waggled deviously and Sasuke could only look at him wearily with a muttered “Idiot.” under his breath, already resigned to the fact that the next words out of his teammate’s mouth would be well, idiotic._

_“Sensei’s pervy after all, so it’s definitely girl trouble! Or maybe the latest Icha edition was sold out?”_

_Suddenly, Sakura tensed – abandoning her attempt to give her blond teammate a good whack upside the head - and Sasuke’s weight shifted, posture swiftly switching to one ready to either fight or flight._

_“Eh? What’s wrong, guys?”_

_“If you’ve got enough leisure to be gossiping about your dear teacher during training..” Naruto paled, cold sweat beading on the nape of his neck, as he felt the chakra of his teacher looming behind him. The sound of Kakashi cracking his knuckles only intensified the feeling of an apocalypse coming his way._

_Needless to say, the ass-kicking Naruto received that session was especially ruthless._

Although, the kid was right. The reason why he was distracted all throughout morning training was her.

Tsubasa.

How long has it been since he’s even spoken that name out loud? He didn’t even dare to say it in his mind. The thought of her name led to thoughts of her – her bright smile, her fierce yet kind personality, her soft pink lips that he kissed only once that day - which led to feelings of longing and then, he might very well just break his vow to himself. Which mustn’t happen, or he’d only be damning her as well, not only him. Kakashi didn’t want to see anyone else die, but as though by some curse, the list of people close to him who died only got longer and longer. All he did was cause the people around him to die.

_Father. Obito. Rin. Minato. Kushina. And the many uncountable unnamed ninjas that died under his leadership.._

Kakashi snorted to himself. _Strongest, indeed._ Everyone thought of him as some invincible legendary ninja – Copy Ninja of the Sharingan, Kakashi – but he wasn’t even strong enough to stay away from the girl he loved.

Oh, the temptation only got worse with every glimpse of her he stole. Each second of his eyes on her turned into hours of longing for her. Kakashi had never imagined he would become this pathetic. He had to keep away, yet he also needed to see her. There was no way she could have known – she was good but he was better; his tracking skills were unparalleled even without the help of Pakkun and the rest of his companion nin-dogs - but he had been watching her, keeping an eye out for any glimpse of her light purple hair. Even though he never spoke to her, never showed an inkling of their past; that they had been as thick as thieves when they were younger. She was his only semblance of stability, of safety. His only rock in a river full of never-ending fast-flowing vicious waters. She was the only remnant of a time long past, a time where he could safely say was the time in which he was content. The time when he could say that he was happy. A time during which his teacher and best friends were still around. He would never admit it to others and barely even to himself, but she was one of those he held close to his heart. One of those that he especially could not see face the same fate as his other loved ones. Saying it out loud, making it publicly known, would only drive home the fact that she was his weakness. It would only make it _real_ , and for that reason, he pretended that those feelings never existed.

Kakashi could never bring himself to talk to her, not from lack of trying though. He was terrified. Terrified of feeling too much again, afraid of letting someone be dear to him, and afraid of losing that dear someone again. After all the pain he had suffered from losing his two teammates and his admirable teacher, he knew very well that the more you cared, the more you lost and the deeper you hurt. And he wasn't sure that he could take that pain again. After all, he was cursed, cursed to have all the people he held close to his heart die. If Tsubasa were to die after he got close to her again, he didn't know how he would be able to survive. He was supposed to cut his relationship with her entirely, but he found his eyes always on the lookout for that flash of lavender hair, that gleam of dark blue eyes.

He could allow himself this, couldn't he? Just watching but never going near. Just to know that she was alive and doing well. Because the sight of her brought warmth and tranquillity - things he rarely felt nowadays - to his chaotic and dark mind.

And speaking of seeing her, it was time to start routine again. This was probably the only thing he was never late for. The only thing that spending time with his deceased comrades could not distract him from.

Kakashi stood up, stretching a little as he did so, body slightly stiff from being stationary so long. He glanced down at the names etched onto the memorial stone, silently saying goodbye before he left.

Jumping away in the direction of the market, he couldn’t help but feel a little excited. His heart already thumping a tad faster, in anticipation. Just these short few minutes each day was one of his guilty pleasures – including his not-so-secret love of the Icha series – because he could pretend that there was nothing keeping them apart and just bask in the sight of her smile and the sound of her laughter.

Only, she wasn't there.

There wasn't a single strand of lavender hair in sight, no matter how many times his eyes darted back and forth, scanning through all the morning shoppers.

_Where was she. Where was she. Where was she. Where. Was. She._

A sudden chill ran down his spine and he was struck with a familiar emotion he had wished to never feel again. The terror he had felt, watching helplessly as his father, his best friends and comrades, and his admired teacher had left him behind. The panic at the thought that he was once again all alone in the world. He felt as though he had been detached from his body, clumsily wheeling his body around in a way unbefitting of a jounin of the Fire Nation, barely avoiding knocking into the citizens on the street. There was only one place he had to go to. 

Her house. He had to get to her house. Or the hospital. She had to be there. What if she wasn't there? What if she ..left? Left the village? Left ..him?

No. No. No, this couldn’t happen again. He couldn’t have lost _someone_ again.

Maybe she was still in bed. Yes, maybe she overslept or something.

No. She's a jounin. No sane jounin would or could oversleep. 

Or she was delayed. Yes, maybe she was talking to someone, a friend, _anyone_.

But, no, nothing would have distracted her from this. It was routine, one that had never changed for so many years. Tsubasa wouldn’t have known but he knew, this routine was a show she put on for him. The art of reading people, let alone someone he had watched intently for years, was something he excelled in. So, no. There was certainly no way she would have so easily dismissed this.

_Where in the world is she?_

He stumbled his way through the crowd until he smacked right into something hard.

"Hey! Kakashi!!"

Loud, nearly enough to hurt his ears. Black. Bowl cut. Shiny teeth in a wide smile. Horrifying green. Lots of green.

 _Green_.

Suddenly, his tunnel vision cleared and his eyes focused on the man in front of him.

Gai. It was Gai!

“My rival! How about-“

“Tsubasa. Have you seen Tsubasa? Have you or have you not seen her, Gai!" Kakashi brusquely cut short his friend’s rambling. Well, it probably wasn’t of much importance anyway, most likely another ridiculous challenge for their rivalry. And as much as their competitions were a source of fun in his otherwise monotone life, it just paled in comparison to Tsubasa right now. Finding her was all that mattered now. Kakashi was grabbing the man by his arms before he realized it, such was the extent of his panic. Not even caring that he was forgoing all semblance of manners and his usual lazy drawl, hands trembling with the urge to roughly shake his rival and best friend for an answer. 

Gai was stunned for a moment, staring uncomprehendingly at the man currently sporting a wild and frantic gleam in his eyes. Kakashi’s fingers were digging into his biceps to the point where Gai thought he would have bruises later. If he hadn’t known better, he would have said that Kakashi had somehow gotten drugged. He had never seen Kakashi like this before. Hell, he had never seen Kakashi display true emotion – other than snarkiness, and laziness, or cold ruthlessness - to this extent before. Kakashi was always restrained, controlled. What you saw was what he allowed you to see, wanted you to see. He was never a man who would openly display his vulnerability to anyone, no matter what. The man in front of him though, even from what little of his face was visible, clearly looked devastated. As though he was barely holding onto the last threads of his sanity. As though he would break into pieces at any moment. As though any piece of news, even the slightest, would bring him immense hope and joy.

For his rival to be looking this unhinged, to be this uncaring of how he looked, Gai understood that something truly horrible to Kakashi must have happened. He immediately turned serious, already gearing himself up for action at a moment’s notice. He gripped Kakashi’s arms back with the same tight force, knowing instinctively that Kakashi needed a firm support right now, a rock for him to hold on to and calm his frazzled mind.

“ _Kakashi_. Calm down and tell me what’s wrong.”

“Tsubasa.” Kakashi heaved, a tinge of impatience seeping into his tone now that he was thinking a little bit more clearly. “Have you seen her?”

Gai raised a thick eyebrow, slightly miffed at the man’s ungratefulness, and confused too. He wasn’t aware that Kakashi and Tsubasa were still on speaking terms. It was all the gossip that the two childhood friends had fallen out after that complicated mission that landed Kakashi in the hospital years ago. Gossip wasn’t worth all that much attention to him – training was more important, and youth, the power of youth – but even he had ended up hearing about it. He had been shocked to hear the news, after all, the two obviously had a deep connection unlike any others. Gai, and many others, had all assumed – some placing bets – that Kakashi and Tsubasa would inevitably end up together.

“No, I haven’t. Why are you-“

“Never mind if you haven’t.” Luckily, Gai wasn’t the type of man to be offended at a brusque reply. Kakashi broke away from Gai’s grip to go rushing off, but Gai quickly caught him by the shoulder. It wouldn’t be ideal for anyone if Kakashi was running around by himself in such a state.

“Kakashi, _wait_. With the power of youth, have no fear! I’ll help you find her! Where have you checked? How about using Pakkun and the others?”

It was a sign of how muddled Kakashi’s mind was, Gai mused at the sight of Kakashi’s expression. It was obvious that he didn't even think about recruiting the help of his specifically tracking-trained nin-dogs. His slightly slack jaw, visible under the mask, translated into ‘How could I have been so dumb’. It only lasted for a second, though. Kakashi turned, drawing chakra to his feet in an explosive burst to enhance his speed, leaving without a second glance to Gai. Gai quickly followed, not losing to Kakashi’s speed, already deducing that their destination was the apartment complex, since that would be where her scent should be the strongest.

Kakashi bit into his finger, even before his feet landed on the corridor outside her door, drawing blood to summon his dog companions. Kakashi desperately wanted to pace. He just needed to do something, _anything_ , to not feel like he was useless, as he watched his dogs sniff around the door, trying to get a scent trail. Suddenly, his attention whipped back to Pakkun, distracting him from his mantra of trying to resist just bursting into the apartment, manners be damned.

Pakkun had sat down on his haunches.

“What? What is it?” Kakashi immediately tensed. He felt his heart sink at the look on Pakkun’s face, already guessing what had happened before the words even came out.

“The scent’s gone cold. Sorry, Boss. She hasn’t been here since last night.”

Kakashi felt the panic rising, taking hold of him again. She’d been gone since last night. _Last night_. That could mean eight hours or more. Tsubasa could be anywhere by now! Just where was she?!

“How about the Hokage Tower?” Ah, Kakashi never thought the day would come when he would thank God for Gai’s presence. His words had cut through the panic-induced haze, and the warmth of Gai’s hand on his shoulder brought him back to reality and grounded him.

Tsubasa was a jounin, it was only natural for her to leave on missions occasionally.

So, Gai told Kakashi as much, only to be met with a harsh retort, and it nearly made him feel like an idiot but Gai still didn’t really understand what all the fuss was about. Tsubasa was a medic-nin, one of the most skilled in the hospital, and it had been years since she was sent on a major mission, one that didn't involve going out for emergency healing or retrieval of wounded colleagues, since she’s too valuable to the village. But the Third could have still sent her out on missions. They were all ninja of the Fire Village, first and foremost, after all, regardless of their other jobs.

But then, he remembered that day. The day he had been truly frightened. Gai had only caught a glimpse, and had dismissed it as a result of the sun in his eyes – and he had been currently chasing Lee around the village for their taijutsu training – and then, that glimpse had unconsciously gotten stuffed in the back of his mind. Now, he knew better. That day, he had seen the look of utter hopelessness in her eyes. He had seen her fingering a scalpel longingly. Looking at Kakashi now, Gai suddenly understood his desperation yet, he wondered whether what he had seen was something he should tell the man now. Kakashi obviously still cared immensely for the purple-haired jounin and he might just really fly off the handle if he knew, and not even he would be able to restrain him if that happened.

* * *

“I can’t tell you.”

The Third warily eyed the silver-haired jounin that had come unceremoniously barging into his office moments ago with the Green Beast of Konoha, wondering if Kakashi still had any semblance of self-control inside him to not explode at the news. Really, it wasn’t like he could just divulge details of important missions to anyone, even if they were two of his highly-viewed and most-trusted ninja. Sigh, these troublesome brats. When were they going to stop giving him a headache? At least, the most prominent troublemaker, Naruto, had stopped acting out.

“Third, I _need_ to know. Please..”

 _Oh, darn it._ He had to come to think of his ninja as his own children, Kakashi even more so, being the student of Minato. There was no way he was going to be able to resist the way Kakashi had pleaded. The Third, too, knew much about the relationship between Kakashi and Tsubasa. After all, romance gossip was one of the rare source of entertainment amongst the ninja and he had been rooting for the two of them to end up together. He had been disheartened when they had started ignoring each other; from their interactions ever since they were two brats spitting fire at each other, he could see that they truly brought out the best of each other.

The Third was rather fond of Tsubasa too. She was one of the finest ninja in both personality and skills. And that numb look in her eyes as she reported for the mission yesterday had left him with an uneasy feeling in his gut, still there even now. Ironic, isn't it? She'd been trudging around the village with a dead look in her eyes but the moment she was given approval for that - he chanced a look at the silver haired ninja standing in front of him -  mission, her eyes lit up.

How could he even begin to tell the man – because Kakashi wasn’t a ninja now, he was simply a man worried for the woman he loved – that Tsubasa had been sent, or rather, volunteered, for a suicide mission? That she looked like she was ready to die, _wanted_ to die?

* * *

_~ Would it be a sin if I can't help falling in love with you? ~_

 

A/N: Thanks for all the kudos! :) 


	3. Love Me Tender

**CHAPTER 3**

* * *

  _~ Love me tender, love me sweet, never let me go. For it’s there that I belong, and we’ll never part. ~_

* * *

 Times were so much simpler back then. Just blessed childish naivety in ignorance of the cruelty of the world.

How was it, Tsubasa wondered, that the brat that used to rub her all the wrong ways became the man she couldn’t live without?

How was it, that he became the first thing she thought of in the morning, and the last thing she thought of before going to sleep?

And lying here in the dark alone, injured and trapped beneath layers and layers of rubble with death certain to come soon, how was it that he – not even the other members of her team that she was sure was around somewhere buried in the rubble as well - was the only one on her mind?

* * *

  _I was intimidated by the silver-haired duo standing at the door. The White Fang and my father, Fujiwara Touya, were old friends, being genin teammates, so I knew that eventually I would be meeting the Hatake family. Father had recently been gushing about Sakumo’s son - who was apparently the same age as me which somehow already made us best friends in the eyes of my father - so I had assumed the meeting would be happening soon but no amount of preparing had made me ready for this! Hatake Sakumo cut an intimidating figure; taller than my father – though, leaner compared to my father’s bulky build - with eyes as sharp as steel. It also probably didn’t help that the miniature copy of the White Fang was glaring hard, like he would rather be anywhere but here. The mask only made his eyes more intense. It took all I had to not cower from his glare. I was the daughter of a renowned ninja, yes, but even that had its limits! I definitely, most definitely, did not want to go anywhere near the Hatake family!_

_“Sakumo! You’re here!” My father had all but rushed to grab his best friend in a big bear hug, unknowingly abandoning his frozen-to-the-spot-in-fear daughter. And there came my greatest dilemma of the year. Alright, two choices here._

_A) Stay in my safe spot away from the scary dog duo. Or B) Cling to the safety of my father even though he was near said scary dog duo._

_No, I am a Fujiwara. And the Fujiwara clan, does not cower. We endure. The family pride and motto drilled into my head ever since I was old enough to comprehend words. And it’s my birthday party. Mine. There’s no way, no way at all, I would deign to suffering the whole of my party just because of these two. So, what else could I do other than to endure my fear and really, just suck it up?_

_“Hello. I’m Tsubasa. Nice to meet you.” I toddled behind my father, clutching the back of his pants tightly, as though fearing something or someone would just snatch me and run away. My eyes darted up from the miniature one to his father, studiously avoiding the glare until necessary. Alright, so I guess my ‘enduring’ wasn’t quite up to standard yet. How is it even possible for someone my age to look like that?! Geez, what crawled up his ass and died?_

_And then, it suddenly felt like I was bathed in the warmth of the sun shining again after a few days of continuous thunderstorms. Holy. Sakumo’s smile was holy. He turned that beam towards me and out of the blue, I found myself in the air, held up in his arms. “Oh, look at this little princess here!”_

_I’ve just found my new favourite person after Father. Sorry, Father, but Sakumo cuts a close second. Sakumo was just a large overgrown scary but cuddly bear. If only he would stop pinching my cheeks. It hurts. And that exasperated glare and snort from your son hurts even more._

_Sakumo smirked at Father. “You’ve outdone yourself, Touya. How could such a precious treasure have come from you?”_

_Ignoring the wails of my father (who was starting to look pathetic in comparison to Sakumo), he continued blithely, spinning me around to face his miniature. Oh no. “Oh, right, Tsubasa, this is my son, Kakashi. Get along well, you two.”_

_“Tch.” Kakashi only clicked his tongue, not even bothering to spare me a glance._

_‘Get along well’ Sakumo said. I could only just about manage a twitch of my lips in what must have been a poor excuse of a smile. Could anyone blame me?! Kakashi was an absolute jerk!_

_“Ugly.” He mouthed, smirking in that holier-than-thou way._

_I could’ve punched him. Oh, I wanted to. Badly._

_That was the first word he’d said to me. Ugly. Seriously? What in the world was his problem?!_

_(It was the standard – but ridiculous – mentality of a prepubescent boy, thinking that it was alright to tease the girl he thought was pretty. Or maybe he just liked seeing the way her cheeks would flush and her eyes sparkle when she was angry.)_

* * *

 " _Kakashi, listen. I trust you.” My father crouched down, looking Kakashi firmly in the eye. “Chase away all males that come near-“_

_Sakumo gave him a good whack on his head, and then, proceeded to ignore all of Touya’s whines. “No, my daughter! My precious daughter!”_

_God, Father, what in the world are you doing? So embarrassing. I could already feel the eyes of all the other parents milling around the entrance of the Academy._

_Sakumo smiled brightly, like he wasn’t currently holding a blubbering grown man by his collar, laying his other hand on his son’s shoulder. “Look after her, son.”_

_“Nonsense, Sakumo, I don’t need looking after! I’m going to look after him!” I stuck my tongue out at Kakashi behind Sakumo’s back, causing his eye to twitch._

_Suddenly, I saw his lips curl up in a slow smirk under the mask. Uh, what?_

_“Touya’s worrying for nothing. No one’s going to approach you anyway. Ugly.”_

_I absolutely hated him._

_I made it my life’s work to irritate the hell out of Kakashi. Oh, I was indeed looking after him, just probably not in the way Sakumo had expected from my words. I could never forget the numerous times I had succeeded in pranking him. There was no joy like the joy of seeing his I’m-too-cool-for-you attitude crumble whenever he found his things missing. Never let it be known that Fujiwara Tsubasa didn’t have a sharp mind or quick fingers. Serves him right anyway, his ego could stand to suffer a few knockdowns._

_He was an insufferable prick. I knew that, but it didn’t feel right when I saw how some of his classmates were treating him. I knew he probably wouldn’t have many friends – not with that jerk attitude – but I never knew it was to that extent. They were only jealous of his talent, but a much more reasonable and productive thing to do would be to train and improve rather than just hang around bullying others. Even I could tell, that those were the ones that would never advance higher; they only pushed others down but never improved themselves. I couldn’t stand them, and one day, a particularly mean remark pushed me past my limits._

_“Hey! I’m the only one allowed to insult him!”_

_“You need a little girl to protect you, Kakashi?” He sneered, a mocking grin plastered on his face._

_It was the first time I brawled with someone outside of physical training classes. May I just say though, I kicked ass and there was a glorious opening flying kick by yours truly. He called me_ short _. And needless to say, no one ever bothered me or Kakashi ever again._

_(Later, Minato would say I reminded him of Kushina. The way I always jumped to defend the people I loved without caring about the consequences was similar to the Red Hot-blooded Habanero. In fact, Kushina had gotten into many a fight for him too – he was kind of an awkward outcast during their school days, apparently. I laughed, because there was no way in hell I cared for Kakashi the way he was insinuating. Just imagining it gave me shivers, and not the good kind._

_Much much later, I would realize that he was right.)_

_Kakashi cornered me one day, though, demanding to know why I beat up those guys for him. Didn’t I hate him, he asked. Was it pity, or something? Because he, with all his talent and skills, had ended up an outcast in class? He was nearly spitting with rage at the thought that I pitied him._

_I told him straight to his face that he was stupid. Why would I feel pity for him? Kakashi was a right pain in the neck to me, but those bullies crossed the line. I knew, all too well, just how much Kakashi trained. Sure, he was undeniably a prodigy – as much as it pained me to admit to his face - but half of his skills came from determination and hard work. I couldn’t let anyone spit on his effort. It was one of the rare things I grudgingly admired him for._

_Something changed after that. Kakashi seemed to have developed the same sort of respect I had for him for me. He never let anyone insult me after that either, though his own snarky remarks never stopped. And then, we started training together (because he insulted my skills. I punch like a girl? I am a girl!), and eating together._

_We fought like cats and dogs, with each other and for each other. But we somehow gravitated towards each other, always together, always there for each other._

_Even a blind man would be able to see the fondness beneath all the spats._

* * *

  _I didn’t resent Sakumo. Those who break the rules are trash, or so they say. But how could I even look down upon the man who had tried his hardest to save my father, when others would have just left him there to die, abandoned by both his comrades and village? Screw the village and its people. Screw them for cursing a man who tried to save lives. Screw the rules. I’d never be able to live with myself if I had let one of my comrades die. I understood Sakumo’s decision. I didn’t blame him for trying to save my father, nor for failing to save my father. There was nothing to blame, no one to blame for this disaster of a mission. It just_ is _._

_And then Sakumo was gone too._

_And both Kakashi and I were left alone, the last of our families._

_I started to rethink my opinion. Did Sakumo doubt his decision? Did he regret it? What if he did? How would that affect me? His death didn’t change anything, in fact, it only made Kakashi an orphan, and that was something Kakashi could have done without._

_If there was something I resented Sakumo for, it was for making the choice to leave Kakashi behind._

_I could see the changes Kakashi went through, day by day, living with all the nosy stares of the people, some pitying and some judging, as though the Hatake family deserved it. He became colder and colder, until one day, I couldn’t recognize him anymore._

_I would have fought for him, to defend him, to protect him, but there was nothing to fight. The villagers? They were civilians. It’d be pathetic to lay a hand on them. Sakumo? He was gone. Kakashi himself? The village itself? Fate? How did one even start to do that?_

_All we could do was move on. Try to find meaning in life, a new purpose when the old one was gone._

_All I could do was watch Kakashi spiral downwards in his own self-created mixture of confusion and loathing, as I struggled to keep my head above water myself._

_He wasn’t the only one left behind. He was the one who left me behind. He wasn’t the only one alone._

_I had neither my father, nor Sakumo, nor even Kakashi now._

_I was alone too._

* * *

  _It had been a while since we last had a proper conversation, so long since there was anything more than a passing nod of acknowledgement, so long since we had behaved like we were friends instead of just acquaintances. I didn't know if he would appreciate me approaching him, he who had lost the last of his team. But I did so anyway. Looking at that lonely silhouette in front of their graves, I couldn’t bear it._

_The last time we spoke more than a few words beyond the stiffly uttered standard greetings, anything beyond politely civil interactions, was when we fought about him distancing himself from me, about him calling his own father trash for not following the rules. If there was anyone that should treasure Sakumo’s ideals, anyone who shouldn’t insult Sakumo, it was Kakashi. It ended up in a lot of shouting, full of nasty words aimed to hurt – and hurt, they did. We knew each other’s buttons so well after all. He was brutal, and so was I - until finally, I had slapped him and he stormed off._

_We weren’t on good terms, but still, he was my friend, and I didn’t want him to be alone. He wasn’t the only one who had lost people they loved. I loved Minato and Kushina too. Obito and Rin were my friends too. What was that saying? Friends divide your sorrows, and multiply your happiness. We could suffer together, so that he wouldn’t hurt as much. That was all I wanted._

_To be together, for each other._

_Standing beside him, so lost in his sorrow, Kakashi gave no sign that he noticed my presence._

_I didn’t look at him either, staring at where his eyes hadn’t wavered from ever since the procession ended – the names etched onto the tombstone._

_I slipped my hand into his, giving him a gentle squeeze._

_I’m here for you._

* * *

_"What are you doing here?_

_Kakashi’s question, so innocently asked, only caused all of the pent-up worry from the past hours ever since he arrived in mangled bloody shreds to explode in the form of rage._

_I snarled, brandishing a finger in his face fiercely. “You disappear off the face of the Earth for half a year, no contact at all, land yourself in such a critical condition I had to slog over you for hours – ‘What am I doing here’?! I was the one stuffing your guts back inside you! Your guts! - just to get you back to some semblance of health, and that’s the first thing you say to me?!”_

_How about a ‘Thank you’?! Or an apology?! For nearly worrying me to death! Such a jerk!_

_I huffed, beginning to calm down after my rant but the sight of his honest-to-god perplexed quirk of his eyebrow set me off again. This idiot! So smart yet so thick! Did he seriously not know what was the problem here?! Whirling around to grab an apple from one of the fruit baskets – who would even give this idiot any gifts anyway?! Maybe it was a complimentary service? - I flung it in his general direction, hard. It didn’t occur to me that in my anger, a little chakra flow was directed to my arm to strengthen the throw. It was accidental, really. Like, really really seriously. I didn’t mean it._

_Alright. So maybe I did it on purpose, just for kicks. Not like I would ever admit it to his face. (He probably already knew it.) I believe in ‘Ignorance is bliss’, yes. What could a measly chakra-enhanced apple do to a jounin of his level anyway? Meh, no harm, no foul._

_He yelped in shock, hands reflexively darting up to catch the flying object before it gave him a black eye. “What was that for?!”_

_Huh, looks like my aim had gotten worse than I thought it had. I should probably start training again. I was hoping it would land somewhere around his middle, and maybe, you know, possibly reopen a stitch or two. I would be here to ~~painfully~~ professionally stitch him back up again, in any case. Nobody would know. Nobody._

_“You’re not supposed to throw things at your patient! I’m injured! An invalid!” Kakashi cried, gesturing wildly at himself lying on the bed. “What kind of medic are you?!”_

_I deadpanned. “You were just whining to my colleague about wanting to be discharged immediately. You’re an invalid now?”_

_He blanched, stuttering in an effort to spin the situation around back to be in his favour. What was it with all ninja being so unwilling to stay in the hospital? His mouth opened and closed, but no words came out._

_Inwardly, I grinned. Looks like Kakashi wasn’t so smart after all. Foot, meet mouth._

_“Well, Mr. Injured-so-bad-I’m-an-invalid, you’re to stay for a month.”_

_“Wha- a month?! No way. What about my missions?”_

_“Only the best for our patients, Mr. I-am-an-invalid. I can’t deny you the care you need, Mr. Invalid.” I hid a smirk behind the clipboard I was holding, but the glint in his narrowed eyes told me he knew exactly what I was doing. I wasn’t surprised, I mean, we’ve known each other for years. It didn’t affect me either way, and who was I to turn down a chance of letting him know he was beaten? By little ol’ me, no less. I mentally shrugged. Even if he knew, there was nothing he could do to refute my decision. After all, the hospital was us medic-nins’ territory._

_“Oh, and there is to be absolutely no physical exertion or involvement in work of any kind for the coming month. I’ll let the Third know to ban you from any upcoming missions. Bed. Rest. Only. You are not to leave this room. Is that clear?”_

_“What if I need to use the bathroom? Natural bodily functions, shower and all that. Hygiene, you know. Are you going to help me?” Waggling eyebrows. Die. I’ll burn you off if you don’t stop. You can cover the bottom half but you can’t cover the top half, Kakashi._

_I sent him one of my sweetest smiles. “Not me, of course. You silly. Don’t you know there are many of your adoring fans amongst the hospital staff? They’ve been dying to get a peek under that mask and those clothes. Why, they’ve already been undressing you with their eyes. I’m sure they’d be willing to help you undress.. with their hands. Have fun.”_

_I could barely resist the urge to give myself a pat on the back. Well done, me. I had managed to anger him enough before, but this was one of the few times I had managed to stun him to such an extent. That face – the horrified wide-eyed mouth-gaping expression I caught a glimpse of before shutting the door - definitely didn’t happen often. It would be burned into my memory for many years to come. I sniggered. Take that, jackass._

_(For once, he was the one staring after me.)_

* * *

  _I sighed._

_The lollygagging bunch of nurses and a few medic-nins were gathering outside of his room again._

_The first few times were amusing, as I remembered Kakashi’s horrified face – I was sure he would be scrambling away ungainly if he didn’t have an image and reputation to uphold – but my laughter slowly ceased to be each time I saw them. Instead, there was a sickening lump in my throat and a rising annoyance, watching them fawn over my childhood friend._

_Would he be inter- no, he wouldn’t. Fangirls weren’t his type, right? No, but he was a healthy male, and definitely straight, so would he..?_

_The moment that thought drifted in, I wanted to give myself a hard smack. Why would I be interested in whether he was interested or not? Why would I make myself out to be like one of the fangirls, chasing after a guy obsessively? No, I would die before I became one of those girls._

_We were just friends, right?_

_“Ahem. Don’t you girls have something better to do?” I levelled them with a pointed glare. “Like making sure you’re worth the money the hospital’s paying you?”_

_With a startled yelp, they all quickly scurried away, fearful of their superior in the hospital. Outside would be a different matter though, they probably wouldn’t leave unless drastic measures were taken._

_I sighed again. Why was I focusing so much on this? I used to enjoy watching Kakashi’s awkward interactions with the fangirls.._

_Opening the door, I was met with a slightly desperate scowl. “How much more longer do I have to be stuck here? Those fangirls are driving me crazy!”_

_I laughed wholeheartedly, the kind that left me gasping for breath with tears at the corners of my eyes. Just one sentence banished away any of the ugly thoughts and uncertainties. How did he always manage to make me feel better so easily?_

_“Just deal with it a little longer, stud.” I teased, finally lifting my head to look at him after my laughing fit._

_I stilled, a little self-conscious. Why was he was looking at me like that? “What?”_

_It was a look I had become quite familiar with. Recently, he had been staring at me intensely with that warm look in his eyes. I would be talking, smiling or laughing and when I turned to him, he would already be watching me. It gave me butterflies, and my heart would race._

_“You’re beautiful.” He uttered softly. His low voice caused the butterflies to rampage. Oh no. Oh no._

_My cheeks flamed to the point where I felt the heat creeping up to my ears as well. I probably looked like an unattractive tomato. No, stop. Don’t think of whether he would think it was unattractive or not!_

_I awkwardly coughed, forcing out a chuckle. “What are you talking about? You’ve always called me ugly. Don’t you remember? In fact, that was the first word you said to me when we first-“_

_I caught sight of his smirk, looking oddly satisfied. Yet, that warm look never left his eyes._

_“-Shut up.”_

_“I didn’t say anything.” He smirked, clearly enjoying being the one to make me uncomfortable._

_Why did I ramble? Why is it that I couldn’t function properly around him nowadays? Kakashi was probably just playing around. Trying to get a reaction out of me as usual. I tried to beat down the disappointment that came with that thought. Focus! You’re a medic-nin, do your job!_

_“Alright. Standard check-up. You know the drill.” Sitting on the bed beside him, I automatically began to unbutton his shirt - the hospital clothes we provided for all patients - before I realized it, already back in medic-nin mode._

_Prodding the bandages around his midsection, checking for any bleeding or infection, I routinely asked. “Any pain?”_

_“No.” His breath ruffled the hair at the top of my head and I froze. Suddenly, my mind was thrust out of the professional medic-nin mode and all I could notice was the lean yet defined abdominal muscles – why was my hand_ still _touching?! – and the close proximity. I mean, his lips were barely an inch from my forehead! The butterflies were fluttering around again._

_“Tsubasa.”_

_“Hm?” I didn’t even dare to look at him. If I raised my head now, how close would he be? He didn’t even have his mask on now!_

_“Are you having fun feeling me up?”_

_“What?! I’m no-” I snarled, instinctively looking up in order to glare him into oblivion. Oh, if looks could kill._

_Oh, shit. I looked up. My mind went blank. He still had that look in his eyes, only it was more intense now._

_Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to break the eye contact or pull away. How long did we remain staring at each other like this?_

_“Tsubasa.” He breathed out, eyes flickering from my eyes down to my lips, slowly inching closer._

_Our noses were brushing now, and I still couldn’t move away. No, I didn’t want to. How did this happen? How did I end up having feelings for this insufferable man? Minato was right, after all. I did care for Kakashi, profoundly. (How did he know - we were all still barely teens back then - even before I did?)_

_His lips landed on mine gingerly, tentatively, before drawing back slightly, as though gauging my reaction. I met his eyes silently, before slipping my eyes shut in consent._

_The kiss grew more passionate then, lips parting and joining back together again. His hands, burning hot on my waist and the nape of my neck. The feeling of his fingers weaving into my hair and tugging slightly so he could get a better angle, demanding more, sent a pleasant tingle down my spine._

_It felt like it lasted forever, but it was only a moment._

_We parted, breathing ragged as we stared at each other in equal astonishment and wonder. A smile spreading on my lips – swollen and pink from his actions –_

_And then, he was gone. Out the window in a flash._

_I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know what to do. I wasn’t even angry that he had kissed me – probably the best kiss I ever had – and then bailed._

_There was only a crushing emptiness in place of the exhilaration only moments ago._

_The only thing I could do was stare after him, left behind yet again._

_When was he going to stop running? I pondered wistfully._

_When would he stay? By my side?_

_When would we be able to walk side by side? Instead of taking turns waiting for each other?_

* * *

 Trees flashed past in a muddy green and brown blur at the speed Kakashi and Gai were travelling at. A quick rescue mission, in and out, grab the survivors. That’s it. That was all the Third had allowed for. Channeling the output of chakra was all but instinctive now, requiring no conscious control but these only left Kakashi’s mind free to home in on the worrisome thoughts. Were they too late? He had only discovered her disappearance in the morning. Counting in the few hours it had taken to get the information out of the Third Hokage as well as permission to go after Tsubasa’s group, it was well over eighteen hours now.

Missions could go wrong in _seconds_ , he didn’t even want to think about how disastrous a suicide mission could get in eighteen hours. Yet, against his will, such horrific images kept popping into his mind, each one worse than the previous. Truly, there was no greater horror than one’s imagination.

_“Kakashi, I didn’t remember until just now, but I think Tsubasa has been heading down this path for a while now.” Gai’s expression had been somber, and a little guilty too._

Kakashi clenched his fists at the memory just before in the Third’s office. It was just a reminder that he was a horrible friend (or lover? What were they anyway?).

“Kakashi, you can’t beat yourself up over this.” Gai’s voice cut through his thoughts. He had noticed the familiar dark look on his friend’s face. Oh, Kakashi, ever so noble. Not everything was his fault. There were some things that just happened, and nobody could have done anything to stop it. “You can’t blame yourself for not knowing.”

Kakashi didn’t reply. Despite seeing the truth in Gai’s words, he couldn’t help but do so. He hadn’t noticed it, despite keeping an eye on her. How could he have been so wrapped up in his own – misguided, now he realized - fears that he overlooked her troubles? Why had he been so complacent, so willing to believe that everything was alright, that he merely took her smile at face value? Had he been wanting to avoid facing her and what their relationship meant to the extent that he had buried his head in the sand, ignoring all the little signs and simply continuing on?

What were all their years of friendship worth if he couldn’t even _notice_? He should’ve known, should’ve figured it out.

But no, he wasn’t going down that path anymore. The path of self-loathing, the path of living in the past, the path of misery for him and Tsubasa.

Gai was right. What was done was done. There’s nothing he could do to change it. All he could do now was hope that he wasn’t too late. All he could do now was change the future. He would fix it.

This time, he wanted to walk beside her, make her laugh and smile, he wanted to make her happy with him. No more watching from a distance. No more pushing people away, in self-punishment, thinking it was for their own good. They would go through whatever happened, good or bad, together.

Channeling more chakra to his legs, he sped forward.

_Please be alive, Tsubasa!_

* * *

 The first thing she noticed was that there was light. The second, that the pain was significantly lesser than before. The third, since when was the ground so soft? She distinctly remembered the annoyance of a rock digging into her back.

_Am I in heaven? Am I dead?_

The first thing she saw when her vision focused enough were grey and red. And then, her vision expanded to include the rest of his face, the shock of gravity-defying silver hair.

The low husky tone that she could recognize anywhere.

And she knew.

“Tsubasa? Are-” She didn’t catch anything beyond the sound of her name on his tongue. How long has it been since she heard it? She didn’t realize how much she missed it until she heard it again.

“Say-“ She winced at the gravelly feeling in her throat. Her voice was hoarse and it hurt to speak - _was it possible to feel pain in the afterlife?_ \- but she had to get her point across. She ignored his attempts of getting her to drink water. She wanted to hear it again. _She craved it._ “Say it again, my name. _Please_.”

He stilled, staring at her sadly. _Why was he sad?_ “Tsubasa.”

“Kakashi..” Tsubasa breathed out.

She shakily raised a hand to prod at his figure hovering over her, wanting to check whether he was solid or not. Even if he wasn’t real, she didn’t want him to vanish like a hallucination. Surely, here in her afterlife, she could at least be allowed to have his touch. How pathetic was she; to still pine for him to the point of unconsciously conjuring up an apparition of him here. She had to give some credit to her memory though; she didn’t know it was _that_ good to create such a perfect replica of him. Or maybe it was possible? She had watched him for _years_ , after all.

“I’m here, Tsubasa.” He grabbed her hand, tenderly cradling it to his cheek. His body heat warmed her even through her gloves and his mask. Her fingers twitched, fingertips brushing against the small strip of skin below his eye that was uncovered by the fabric of his mask. _Oh. He’s solid, and warm. He’s real?_ Her memory certainly wasn’t good enough to replicate the feeling of his warmth and skin exactly so.

“You’re here. You’re really here..” Her eyes found his again, marveling at his presence by his side. She could feel the tears gathering in her eyes, blurring her vision.

_He’s really here, with me. It’s not a dream. I’m not dead._

“Yeah, I’m here.” As if to reinforce his words, his hand gave hers a gentle squeeze, handling her as though she was precious glass.

Suddenly, her smile faltered. “Are you going to leave?” _Again?_

 _The last time we had a moment, you left._ It wasn’t an accusation, merely a sad observation. It went unspoken, but they both knew they were thinking of that day in the hospital. The day of their first kiss together. And the spectacular mess of a friendship that resulted from his disappearing act. God, the way he had run out of the hospital room like she had some contagious plague, and he hadn’t even been discharged yet. It wasn’t surprising that she would have such an insecurity of him leaving her behind. She was already steeling herself for his impending departure.

His free hand brushed the tear she didn’t know she had let out from her cheek with lingering touches, as he gazed remorsefully at her.

“I finally get to look at you straight on instead of being like a stalker-”

She chuckled weakly. “That’s my line, you idiot. I’ve always been looking at your back..”

_You always leave me behind._

“I know.” Kakashi stared into her eyes unwaveringly. “I chased after you, this time.”

_Not this time. I won’t leave, not you, not again. So, don’t leave me too._

“From now on, I’m not going anywhere without you. You’re stuck with me now. Can’t get rid of me even if you try.” He promised earnestly, a flicker of happiness in his eyes. Her eyes, dazed they were, managed to catch the faint smile lighting up the corner of his lips through his mask.

“You’re not.. scared anymore?”

“I am, still. But I won’t let my fears rule the way I live. I don’t want to regret not making worth of the time I have with you.”

Finally, _finally_ , they were on the same page. She saw the affectionate longing – the same longing she had for years – in his eyes. She could tell that he knew that he was the one that was the barrier in their relationship; his fears had prevented him from ever crossing the line and when they did, he had instantly pushed her away.

Funny, she mused, that all these years, they had both been staring after each other’s back. What fools they were. But, they were now looking each other in the eye, with no more intention of beating around the bush. This was just how they were, she supposed. It was _their_ story, and no one’s else.

_Even with all the detours, I wouldn’t want it any other way. This is us._

They had mutual feelings, and none of them had any desire to leave the other’s side. There would be no leaving the other behind. They were going to stay by each other and brave the world and all the hardship that came with it together.

He pressed a kiss into her palm softly, eyes crinkling in that way that told her he was smiling.

“Thank you for waiting for me, Tsubasa.” _Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for loving me._

“Anytime.”

* * *

  _~I'll be yours through all the years till the end of time.~_

* * *

  **THE END**


End file.
